I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
