Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The dick lei will go down in squad history
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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