Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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