I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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