she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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