I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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