I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
