Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
