all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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