see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
