Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
