hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
