I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
