Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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