We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i think i have two assholes
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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