I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
MIDGETS
????
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
