i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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