I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Randomize
