Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
