Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
