if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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