Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
