The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
