One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
