census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
