So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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