this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
