I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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