my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
