Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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