woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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