He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
