I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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