her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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