hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
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