Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
