I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
