There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
