but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
