He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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