I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
