she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
