I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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