is your mom at the bar?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
