help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
