We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
