Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
