Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
