We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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