So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
